Some of them suffer from the ‘saviour syndrome, where they plunge into others problems and take charge at the slightest hint of need

Children forced to 'parent' others grow up into financially self sacrificing adults: Recognise the symptoms They revel at making things happen for others, while neglecting themselves. They suffer from low self-esteem and are not aware of it. They also can be hyperindependent, shunning help and standing up to demonstrate that they are strong enough to get things done

Uma Shashikant

Chairperson, Centre for Investment Education and Learning

He was talking to me animatedly about the problems his sister was dealing with. The sister was in debt, arising evidently from irresponsible spending by her son. The brother had come to know about the problem only recently and felt compelled to bail them out. He was 70, the sister was 60, and the defaulting nephew was 35 years old. “Being the older brother, how can I let my sister suffer?” he asked. We identify such misplaced sense of responsibility as ‘parentification’.

A parentified child has been forced to behave like an adult, playing the role of a parent when he is not emotionally or physically ready to do so. Elder brothers, who are forced to act like fathers to the family; elder sisters, who are mothers to their younger siblings; sons and daughters, who work too early to support their parents; and children, who bear the brunt of the emotional burden suffered by their parents and forced to step up to support, are all sufferers of the emotional trauma of parentification. They struggle in adulthood too.

Unfortunately, many of our rituals and cultural norms support this behaviour. The patriarchal society has long imposed the burden of child care, housekeeping, cooking and cleaning on young girls, who had to care for their brothers and men of the house as if they were the mothers. The rituals imposed by years of war and unfair division of property imposed on men the need to care for their sisters and women of the household, even when they weren’t old enough or mentally ready.

These parentified men and women grow up into elderly adults, with broken and faulty notions about life, responsibility, money and care. Studies have shown that parentified adults are unable to draw personal boundaries and tend to overextend themselves in their sense of responsibility for others. They are unable to care for themselves, while nursing the guilt that they haven’t done enough for others.

Some of them suffer from the ‘saviour syndrome’, where they plunge into others’ problems and take charge at the slightest hint of need. They revel at making things happen for others, while neglecting themselves. They suffer from low self-esteem and are not aware of it. They also can be hyper-independent, shunning help and standing up to demonstrate that they are strong enough to get things done. They turn out to be poor delegators and managers, who end up doing their team’s work too.

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These deficiencies can also manifest in their personal financial behaviours. Parentified adults tend to overcompensate when it comes to their children. There are enough stories of parents who dip into their retirement savings to educate their children at international schools and colleges; parents who see themselves as caregivers not just for their children, but their grandchildren as well, even if it entails personal sacrifice of time, money and effort; parents whose financial goals are all about doing things for others; and parents who confess that they do not know how to spend.

Scarcity mentality is a scar from parentified childhood, when fear about running out of money dominates. Many suffer from the inability to spend even if they have enough assets and wealth. Oversharing with everyone else around them leads to poor allocation of their resources. They believe that the only way to live is to care for others, and that the best way to care is to solve others’ problems, pitching in with money, effort and time, mostly overworking themselves in the process.

How can we help? Therapy is a good choice, even if it is mostly refused. To be able to understand why one behaves the way one does offers clarity and understanding. It is comforting to know what might be the source of one’s motivations and behaviours.

What are the financial choices? First, identify that there is a problem of not putting oneself first. Close friends, spouse, other siblings, or close colleagues may be able to identify the patterns and have a conversation or introspection about suffering too long as a parentified adult. Help identify what might be real needs, desires and aspirations of the parentified adult. Allocate resources to make things happen gradually.

Second, actively prevent the parentified adult from throwing money at others’ problems. Enabling behaviours hurt the giver and the taker. If the brother at the start of this story bails his sister, he would lose his money and abet the wayward behaviour of his nephew. It is a lose-lose proposition. Help the enabler to see that they are assuming caregiving, empathy and generosity, while in reality, they harm themselves and those they seek to help.

Third, make sure the parentified adult is able to experience the joy of their wealth for themselves. Arrange a leisurely holiday, a set of meaningful gifts, a special outing and experience that makes them relax, so they are able to see life differently. They will find it difficult to focus on themselves and shun simple pleasures as selfish behaviours. Let them taste the fruit of their wealth, without judgement. They may begin to change.

Fourth, look for signs of perpetuating the parentification cycle. Research shows that parentified adults behave completely differently as parents, mostly subconsciously. However, there can be exceptions, especially with respect to emotional parentification, where they subject their children to the burdens of their emotional trauma. Counsel them to break the chain and set their children free to manage their own lives.

Fifth, review the asset allocation of parentified adults to identify concentration in assets that are unutilised; assets that are hoarded; assets that are secretly held; assets that are earmarked to be given away; and assets that are only meant to be passed on. Enable a revision of asset allocation that equitably divides the assets such that the allocation aligns with their needs.

Parentified adults are martyrs who are not even aware of their sacrifices and the underlying subconscious that places them last in their own pecking order of priority. They may be in your household or around you, and they may need help.

The Author IS CHAIRPERSON, CENTRE FOR INVESTMENT EDUCATION AND LEARNING
(Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this column are that of the writer. The facts and opinions expressed here do not reflect the views of www.economictimes.com.)

This story originally appeared on: India Times - Author:Faqs of Insurances